Nucleus of my existence

 I am thankful to the universe for the numerous blessings I received in different forms in last few decades.  These blessings made me the person I am today by nurturing my soul amidst countless challenges and struggles life offered me. The greatest among these blessings is my mother who shaped my thought process in early days of my life. Every mother is special to her child. I am more fortunate because my mother is a special person who used to stand out from the crowd, even it meant standing alone all along.

I was born in a lower middle class Bengali family. My birth was not a ceremonious event as I was the second girl child of the family. I was born with poor health and unpleasant looks. My mother was not sure how to make a healthy kid out of me. She put tremendous effort in nourishing me, specially because she used to sense the dislike of the world towards me. She did not have much physical, emotional and financial support to meet her goals and she already had a two year old daughter to take care. Her health was never at its best, but her spirit was indomitable. People assumed the baby was mute since I did never cry during initial months, neither I started talking even after two years. My mother knew the truth. I used to make soft sounds only when she was around. She used to enjoy the way her second born used to make her feel special. Years passed and she moulded a shy and sensitive girl out of me. I remember the conversations we used to have at home. She used to talk about her own childhood, her college days, her career in school, her political views and life philosophies. She used to pick examples from different books and movies to illustrate her points.  I used to visualise the characters and events while listening to her life stories in my early teens. She used to reiterate the inspirational stories from radio, news paper and neighbourhoods. I and my sister were always taught that 'swadese pujyate Raja, Vidyan sarbatra pujyate' i.e. a king is worshipped in his own country, but a wise man is worshipped every where. Gaining knowledge is a far more superior deed over grooming appearance and possessing material things. Alongside, she used to put emphasis on becoming independent and staying compassionate to people around us.

I grew out of her lap eventually. I still remember the emotional discomfort I used to feel when I shifted to hostel to study engineering. We did not have phone then and I used to yearn to get her touch. Initially, we used to write to each other. One day I told her I may have to deviate from the ways she taught me in order to find my own ways in this big bad world. She asked me to follow my heart and move on. I moved on. I made new friends, picked up many skills, cultivated new hobbies, completed education, joined job, travelled places, got married and explored life's possibilities. She remained the same, pursuing the same life and waiting to get some moments with her darling daughter. Her daughter had little idea about the power of time. My mother kept facing physical, emotional, social and financial challenges and her health kept deteriorating. She used to put brave face every time I used to visit her and offer me comfort of home by cooking my favourite food, making my room and sometimes writing down the lyrics of my favourite songs. She was aware that age is catching her first and not much time is left to set and materialise new goals in her own life. She kept performing her responsibilities and kept observing the changes coming her way. 

Last October we celebrated her 64th birthday. She does not read or write anymore. Her cognitive skills have diminished. She can't manage daily house chores now-a-days. She does not wait for my calls and visits, though she becomes restless when I leave the house after my visit. I asked her what she thinks of me now. She said her daughter has outgrown her expectations and the entire family looks up to her now.

My mother's outlook of life was way ahead than her contemporaries. Be it denying meaningless rituals or not conforming to biased expectations of the family - her objective thought process guided her throughout her life. At times her motherly care and insecurities used to shadow her reasoning ability, in encouraging her daughters to follow less travelled ways. But she has always shown confidence in her daughter's strength. 

This summer I accompanied my mother on a trip. I was happily observing her childlike gestures from moment to moment. She holds my hand while walking without worrying much about the small things of life. This clasp makes me feel her faith in me every day. I am thankful to life for gifting me such unique blessing in this birth.